Is Defensiveness Blocking Your Growth?

I don’t know anyone who likes criticism, do you? We rename it and call it feedback to try to remind us that it’s meant to be helpful. But whether it’s constructive or not, we know feedback means criticism. And it means there is something we could have done better.

What is your default response when someone offers you feedback about your performance or presentation? Do you accept it openly? Do you weight its value based on who is delivering it? Or do you put up walls of defensiveness from the get-go, blocking it all out? Defensiveness is a natural coping mechanism, but it’s one that could be blocking the path to growth. Let’s look at why we get defensive, and how to start to tear down those walls we too often put up.

Why Do We Get Defensive?

Defensiveness is a natural response to a perceived threat. If someone criticizes you or gives you feedback, whether it’s unsolicited or not, your first instinct is to protect yourself from hearing something that might hurt you. It’s not fun to be told you did something wrong or could have chosen better.

Justin Kruger and David Dunning are two of the foremost experts on incompetence. In their article, “Unskilled and Unaware of it: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments,” they say, “In a perfect world, everyone could see the judgments and decisions that other people reach, accurately assess how competent those decisions are, and then revise their view of their own competence by comparison.”

They are right. In an ideal world, we could detach ourselves from the criticism. We could lay the feedback out on a sterile table. We could poke and prod at it, examine it for value and truth, keep what is good, and discard what isn’t. It would be a logical, if not scientific, process. But defensiveness is born out of an emotional response. So it makes sense that we instinctually view criticism from an emotional place. Because it hurts.

How Do We Become Less Defensive?

Let me start by saying that not all criticism is healthy. We should be selective about the feedback we listen to. I use this 2-part criteria for whether I personally accept feedback. First, it needs to be delivered respectfully. Second, it needs to be intended for my growth. If feedback doesn’t meet both of those criteria, it’s generally okay to dismiss it. But if it does, we need to be open to it.

That means getting rid of defensive behaviors. Writer for Better Help, Alisen Boada recommends watching out for these specifically:

  • Denial: refusing to see the problem or our part in it
  • Projection: attributing our thoughts and feelings to someone else (“I’m not angry, you’re angry”)
  • Acting out: having an overblown response
  • Rationalization: bending the truth to justify our behavior
  • Displacement: taking out our frustration in a manner or on a person unrelated to the issue
  • Intellectualizing: only focusing on the facts of a situation while ignoring emotions

These defensive behaviors might help you feel better, but they don’t help you grow. In order to do that, you need to move from a defensive mindset to problem-solving one. This helps you shift from seeing the problem as attached to your identity (“I’m bad at public speaking”) to seeing it as attached to an issue (“I need to slow down when I give a speech”).  This also puts you and the person offering feedback on the same team. You are now united against a problem or toward a common goal.

We can’t grow as presenters until we are ready to set down our defensiveness. Work on remaining open to any feedback that is both delivered respectfully and intended for your growth. And be ready to tackle problems with a positive outlook aimed at elevating your performance.

At Ethos3, presentations are our business. Ready to learn how we can help you take your presentation to the next level?

 

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